today's date.

Slowly. One at a time, they find their way to the page. So many words fill my mind, but as the years creep past, less and less make it to the page. Unacceptable. This was to be my future, my purpose. This was to be my calling, and here I’ve gone and sold out. Hum. My younger self would be disappointed. I’ll salvage myself. I’ll make it, I swear. I may be a hack and a phony. The words and ideas I try to bring to life may fail or just not be right, but is there harm in trying?

I listen to the notes flowing from my poor ass speakers. An egg chair, a pad of paper & pen plus a sweet stereo system is my wish right now. Having a nice camera would be nice as well. I miss creativity. I miss sensuality. I miss creating; crafting. I miss the feeling of achievement. I miss the beauty of it all.

I didn’t realize it would be like this. I didn’t realize it would drain me. I didn’t realize it would change who I am and what I want and how I’m ever going to get there. I didn’t realize what I was stepping into. I regret it, but I know it will be worth it. It has to be worth it. Is it because I’ll be the first? The only? Maybe it’s because I’ve already started- I can’t back down now. I can’t back down. Period. Maybe I really do want it that bad. The letters, the proof that I could do whatever I put my mind to. Maybe it’s everything. This has to be worth it.

I gave up something along the way. I lost something. What was it? Where is it?