passions loved & lost

I check CBC, I check CNN. I feel lost. I used to know what was happening, and then I got sucked into this bubble I call University. That which matters is around you, or in a textbook. Are they going to test me on what the President of Iran recently said in a press conference? Probably not. So why pay attention to it? That seems to passive. Hell, I'm studying political science. For some reason I become so ridiculously out of tune with politics as soon as come back from the summer. I don't watch the news (I'm never home when it's on... or I'm sleeping), I don't read the paper (Well, the gazette doesn't count), & I can never seem to be caught up. Le sigh. I'll get there.

Passions. Not the TV show, a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept. I wonder what the people around me are passionate about. School seems as though it would be a common answer, or at least what they're studying. But who knows. People do things they don't enjoy. Writing. Writing is a passion, right? Why am I asking you. I know it is. I love it when I get into that state of mind that has me pouring my heart out onto scrap pieces of paper until three in the morning. They have to be scrap. It has to be scribbled about in a random fashion. A little bit here, a little bit there. It seems to have eluded me recently, this stay-up-all-night-I-have-to-get-it-out feeling. It's not something I can try to do. It just happens & recently, it doesn't want to be happening.

Conversations that leave you thinking. I've had many lately & they leave me craving more. I crave intellect, I crave debate. Please leave Britney Spears at the door. I could debate about her, but I want a feeling to linger with me, I want to be left thinking. Do you see? I have only one provider & I need more. It's an addiction. It's my crack.

I wonder what it was like for me as a child. I remember so much, but just not enough. Everything interested me. I was here, there, everywhere. I had no friends, but I had books. I had curiosity, I had imagination. I had a pen & paper & that's all I needed. I created friends, I created worlds in which I flourished, which I loved. I wonder what I would say about how I'm living now, about my hopes & dreams. Would childhood me hate that I've thrown my dream of author out the window? Have I even? It often leaves me wondering.

I want to help. I want to have the words that everyone needs. Am I suppose to know them? Will I learn them? I want so badly to have the answers to everyone's problems, but I don't. I want to go into a profession where I'm supposed to have the answers to problems. Some I won't have experienced, others all I'll be able to say is "it'll get better" because in reality nothing that I say will make you feel any different than you do right now. Sigh. I don't know what I'm looking for or where I'm gonna find it.

I think this has been enough for now. I need to start channeling all this writing into something worth reading. I want to blow you back. Give you something to mentally chew on. Well, here's to another day.

Waking up to all this beautiful blue.

Snap. The world's different now. Stuck in a place in my mind I wished I wouldn't visit. I don't like it here, walking down the street knowing I can't avoid you. Movies, music, places, this town is filled with memories that I just can't escape. Dream. Dream. Dream. Snap.

It's time to stop slacking. I'm young, I don't have the time, but I'm sure I'll make it. Let's see what I can do, let's see what I'm capable of. Let's see how long the interest lasts.

This song brings memories flooding back, but of what, I'm not sure. I know it reminds me of a time, but it seems to escape me. I feel young, I feel confused. I see myself sitting in the computer room back in King, with the lights off. No, those were my dashboard days. Wow. How long has it been since then? Doesn't matter, I'm past it.

Her hair hung in her eyes, her white running shoes sticking out, her ankles making an appearance in that space between her socks & her pants. Memories rush, but she looks like she has it under control. I looked like it too. I want to share my experience, make it all worth it. I wanna show the world it's okay, that you can doo eet!

I'm wired. I have class in eight hours. I'll probably be wandering around the house in six. Maybe six and a half if I'm lucky. The creative fire burns deep within me. About what, I have no clue.

Sometimes I feel like I have the answers, then I realize: there aren't any.

It's the things we don't say who make us who we are.

There's something to be said about not having the words. When you rack your brain trying to find the right words & you just can't. There's something to be said about staring at a blank piece of paper, scratching out line after line after line; about taking the time to figure out exactly what you want to say until it's been perfected.

There's something to be said about being able to reread the words. About putting them to paper. There's something about writing out how I feel that gets me every time. Spoken word can be frustrating. The words that I want to come out get gummed up in the works. I lose them. Then I get lost & I've lost the moment, the argument, the moment where my point could have been made.

There's something to be said about believing in yourself & in the knowledge that you possess. Believe in yourself, in your intelligence. Believe that you are special (in one way or another, we all are). Don't get down on yourself. Stand tall.

"When the mob & the press & the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, & tell the whole world--

--No you move."

I like(d) to think I know who I am, but in reality I'm constantly changing. My beliefs, my values, the person I am... it's a constant state of change, & even though I may have accepted it, I think I'm just now finally coming to terms with it.

Dreams. Imagination. Exploration. Open your mind. Open your world. Childhood wonder is a beautiful thing.

tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

dreams. beautiful places where we meet the people we think will change our lives, but never do. we see things we've always dreamed of, we do things we'd never do in real life. i am the person i want to be. i am the person hidden deep down.

capitals are overrated.

the ocean calls my name. i count down slowly. my heart beats a little quicker each time the number drops. dream come true? impossible! insanity. the truth. amusing how things present themselves. a gift. reaction unknown. planes fill my thoughts.

if you knew that swimming in the ocean would increase your chances of getting bitten by a shark, would you still do it?

the volume on my mind has been turned up. all that was background noise is front & center. i can't escape. i'm being screamed at. i chant simple words & phrases i think i could believe, but i can't. reading into things is overrated. let go. let the music play. let the world go on & let me stand still. let me watch it all fly by. i crave that.

i think i'll go indulge. i'll close my eyes, take a deep breath in & forget. wash away.

It starts in my toes, I lose all control.

Type. Type. Backspace. Backspace. Repeat.

Dearest internet, The love/hate relationship I have with you is astounding. You provide me with all the information I'd ever need & yet you still manage to hurt my feelings. When I need you, you aren't there. Sometimes, there is no connection happening. I thought I could rely on you.

I scribbled words all over my body this morning in an attempt to remember the brain storm. I still haven't learned not to write on body parts I frequently wash. All that's left of my creative spurt are a couple of illegible lines here & there.

I wait patiently for my shift to start. Five hours surrounded by books on topics I can't even fathom. More interesting than you can imagine. More confusing than I'd ever expect.

This is a beautiful place with amazing people. Within these walls are secrets. If you listen closely, they'll speak to you.

You think I'm cracked, don't you? Stay tuned.

There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down.

Sirens are wailing. Bomb techs are running & I'm standing in the middle of it all with a confused look on my face. Typical. I just need to learn to breathe. In. Out. Would anyone like to give me classes on being calm?

I bury myself & I haven't learned how to say no. But how can I when I find out that the institution that I've come to adore is having a huge event for the Montreal Massacre, & yet nothing for Remembrance Day. For a school so passionate about rights & freedoms, you'd think that would remember the rights & freedoms that our country's veterans fought for. But I digress.

I'm up earlier & have more planned for this day than I have for my entire week. I'm feeling myself begin to get more & more swamped. Meetings. Events. Classes. Gym. Homework. Reading. My lack of organization is becoming astounding. With every phone call, with every forgotten pair of shorts, I get a little closer to self destruction. An explosion of my mind, leaving it all over the walls.

Equality. Something I'd say I know something about, but in reality I don't. I know about as much as the average person & yet I'm so interested, so passionate. Ironic? Who knows. I'm just throwing words together these days in the hopes that it'll make sense. I need to find answers & opinions & reasons for it all but I feel confused & lost.

I always feel confused & lost these days. Maybe a good run'll do me good.

It'll fall just like you said.

I maintain silence in regards to your secrets. There are no expectations here, aside from the obvious. This no longer feels right. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel as though I don't belong. Where does the blame fall? Who knows. Don't ask because I'd rather not know.

I have retracted into my own bubble where no one is allowed. I wrap myself up in textbooks & Beatles music only emerging to go to the gym or eat. I can't write what I want to anymore, so for the most part, I just don't. I never thought I'd say that, never thought I'd censor myself. I never thought I'd get here either though, but here I am.

The road's getting harder & I'm feeling worse off. Life's amazing for the first time in a long time yet the decline is coming. It's never too good for too long.

Don't try to understand me or rework us. It's over. I'm tired of your words. I'm tired of everything you offer, because really... it means nothing. I crave the old days, but they're gone. So I'll hold my breath, just like I always do.

My rice is cold, my chicken crispy. I want an apple. I have none left, though who knows where they went. I'll have a pomegranate.

Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.

On my hand, a tradition I will never properly understand. Fashion deems that okay. I do not. There's so much in this world I wish I knew, I wish I understood. There's so much in this world that I wish I had a passion for, but I don't. The superiority of your intelligence intimidates me. The vastness of your knowledge leaves me wondering. Do I stack up?

The weather toys with my mind. This time of year never bodes well for me. Dr. Jekyll? Mr. Hyde? We'll see soon, won't we? Pleasantness is not my forte this time around. Don't expect me to be your best friend, because I'm not even my own lately. Good & evil play ping pong in my head. Stress builds up & keep piling it on. I want success! I want to be loved! I want to be.... no.

I fell today. Maybe I aimed too high, maybe too low. I put a price on greatness that I just can't pay. Do well for a while & the price goes up. You want it more. & more. & more. When you fall, you fall hard. Loving myself is a new necessity.

I've never been religious, but our talks touch me. In a way I doubt I've ever felt before. Where tears fall & I'm unable to control them. I find myself praying these days. To who or what, I don't know. & about what you'll never know, but I do. A more touching & personal experience. It's made me a believer. There's a reason for us. & as much as it scares me, I've never felt so amazing.

I try to recapture the revelations made Thursday night, but they seem gone. My beliefs, my thoughts, my views... gone. The beauty I thought I saw reflected has disappeared only to be replaced with a diminished form of hatred & disgust. Diminished! That's key.

Hidden within the stacks, I'll meditate. Achieving the perfect harmony I crave in this moment.

when the words won't stop.

I use the phrase "the words keep flowing" far too often on days like today, when my mind is on overdrive about nothing & yet I'm searching for the answers to everything. I find myself hidden in a corner of a building I could care less for, pouring my soul out onto old issues of The Gazette.

"The future is the future." A concept I struggle with daily."There is nothing wrong. You're paranoid." Yet another. Far more personal here than ever before & yet you'll never realize it. Bang on, my friend. My deepest secrets revealed in the form of a poorly worded blog.

A little while from now I will begin to mould myself into the person I wish to be. The one I've fought for this year. The one I've locked myself in rooms for, run through the cold for, tired myself out for. This is my future. This is the now.

Worth it? We'll find out, won't we. Here's to another lap, another set, another few pages. Here's to yet another reinvention. The reinvention of me.

Your denial is beneath you.

Fall Back. A feeling of accomplishment washed over me this morning when I'd realized I'd woken up an hour earlier than I thought. It's rare I get a feeling of accomplishment from something I didn't really have much control over.

I hear him talking about being the sum of the thoughts I have manifested through all of my life, the sum of impressions I & others have of me. What's that supposed to mean? In the end, I'm the sum of my choices. What I decide, what I think, the choices I make in life make me who I am & sure, some of them may be controversial, but I'll never regret them.

Who are you if you don't follow your heart?

Thursday night offered answers unwanted, emotions hidden for days... weeks. Vulnerability ingested, they attack. Laughter so intense tears carved paths in my face. I was a scarved Princess propped up by pillows in my own little world. Pupils dilated, I felt beautiful.

I felt beautiful.

Make your life itself a creative work of art.

My ride home from the mall this afternoon was a constant battle. I kept eavesdropping & staring at two people across from me. I was inspired. How could I not be? I've always found it incredible when people my parents' age go back to school because they want to get their degree, but I find it even more incredible when these people tend to make friends with the "socially awkward" students in the class.

It's odd because we make our parents' generation to be this huge hypocritical group of people who were raised to think so differently, raised to stick to what they know. Yet here is that very same generation becoming best friends with those our own generation deem "weird". Maybe I'm generalizing, maybe those who are open minded enough to go back to school are just generally open minded & don't mind making friends who could be their children.

That wasn't the point of this post. The point was that people who go back to school inspire me. They inspire me to do my best because I know I'll regret it if I don't.

I wonder how different university is for them...