it's whether you get up.

summer experiences are learning ones. different, fun, & full of surprises. sure it's new. everything's new right now. i have no constants. to say it throws me off balance is an understatement. to say i'm often confused is another.

my words won't go together properly. i can't think right this early, yet i'm wide awake. the thoughts are jumbled, mixed in with who knows what's up there. getting stuck inside my head tends to be a common problem. i can never find the way out once i've dug myself deep.

don't talk to her like that.

my thoughts jump around far too often for these. nothing ever makes sense unless you're me. which you're not. why do i bother?why do i bother with a lot of things? i get myself down & wonder if dreams are hopeless. ambitions useless. what am i willing to sacrifice for them? how far will i push myself?

y'know, i'd love to talk to you, but you never answer my messages, e-mails, comments. i wonder why. what are you hiding? why do you hate me? why do you lie so blatantly? why can't you be there for me like you say you are.

i give up.

I can see her eyes looking from the page of the magazine.

I watch your eyes; there's a sadness to them. I wonder why. I want to know & I have a feeling I'll always want to. I want to save you, but I need to stop it. It's not my place & it'll probably come across wrong. I have a tendency to do that; try to help & just make people hate me in the process.

You intrigue me. Who you are, the way your mind works.. I want to pick it. What are you thinking? Who are you really? I wonder what you think about in your spare time. Weird? Perhaps. Why won't you let me in?

They'll wonder what I'm doing. They'll assume my intentions & it'll bring me down, but I'll keep trying. Their opinions mean nothing to me, though I quite enjoy their company. They will whisper & they will talk, but it won't get to me. This is much, much better.

Eventually, I'll understand you. I know I shouldn't, but I know I will. A certainty I will still attempt to fight.

Some truths & how I hate math.

don't you hate when you hit enter, only to have something be submitted before it's perfect? before you've reviewed your words [or written any, for that matter]?

here i sit. in an empty room of an empty apartment building. of a building full of people in a town full of people. yet is it odd i feel more than completely alone? location of those known to me is unknown. job prospects are unknown. & this song keeps playing, bringing me to that place.

i'd like to tell you that my undeniable answer is yes, though that would be a lie. i write here tonight hoping that when i read over my cryptic words full of meanings that i will remember what i meant.

do you find me too cryptic? imaginary reader?

i wonder where you've gone, mystery person. abandoning your conquests for the crack of light that shines under your door? i'm sure you'll return. you always do. they always do. people are predictable. they'll always go back. always.

been at it a while & i'm halfway there, i wonder how sweet it will be to toss it up & forget all the shit. it seems neverending these days (like the back pain that continues to develop within me as i age). i wonder if i'll enjoy what's next, the great & vast unknown.

i wonder why things don't come out right in times like these. words contemplated far too much for my liking. maybe it's time for a little spiderman.