all i really want

i'll watch lion king now, at 3:37am. yet another has just finished & tears will fall like they always do after your escape from stage left. i hate this feeling, trapped up in my throat, fighting for escape.

this place is empty. lonely. it drains me, being here. i'm plotting my escape from prison. one more day. one more day. i'm going home with "laura". this bed is an island. the air is full of diseases of one kind or another. my eyes itch, burn, & tear. i cough too much.

the look on his face when the truth about this summer hit, hurt. i won't be home. is that really any surprise? i'd hope not, but i guess so.

i'm not into this. i'm gonna go watch simba grow up. exciting.

slow cheetah.

A game of chess over the phone at two in the morning makes everything okay. A feeling of closeness that I feel as though I'm lacking right now. Worry is slowly taking me over. It's as though I can't get through a day without it. Maybe it's a testament to the love or care I feel for others? Maybe I just need to let go for a few minutes & enjoy life.

This apartment is empty. A good scrub down was given to certain parts of it, leaving it beautiful & shiny. I'll miss it, although it's not like I'll be gone long. I don't think I could be. Insanity sets in rapidly when I step foot in that town. The rules, the ridiculous six o'clock curfew, the air, the TV, just... everything. It makes me feel as though I'm 12 again, locking myself in my room, getting yelled at. I could piss them off & go to the bar, but there's just too much going on.

I miss the old gang. I'm sure that my relationship with each of them would be different had we met under different circumstances, I'm sure they wouldn't have given up on me if I was ever allowed to go out. I remember when Chris came to see me last year around Christmas, it was amazing. Just talking for a few minutes outside while my father got increasingly mad sitting inside. I miss Shellz & moo, no matter how much drama existed between us. I miss that feeling, those people.

I came here & they all got left behind. I made new friends, but those friendships kind of dissolved after first year, & now I have some acquaintances that I keep meaning to hang out with. Damn undeveloped "hang out" skill. Anyone wanna chill? Coffee? Random walk through london? Shopping? Hang out & watch movies/play video games? I really can be a boy sometimes.

Now I'll go shower & finish my morning red bull. My eyes are red, I've gotten three & a half hours of sleep, but everything's done. Everything. Is. Done.

open up your eyes.

Here I am, one of the few left. I spent today moving books around & texting people hoping for replies. I should know better. I went to the gym, I cleaned the apartment. I feel empty, yet full of thoughts I'd rather not be having at this time of year.

I wonder what it'd be like if they were different, what it would be like if they weren't... them. Does that make sense? I wonder what it will be like a few years down the road (if things go the way I'd like them to). Will they change? Will we change? Will the whole circus mellow out? Will it still be around? The ring master with the long blonde hair, the boy with some oddity.

I've achieved what I wanted. I've escaped into the great wilderness, the darkness that settles after six. I just don't know how I like it.

There are things in this world I wish for but I know will never happen. There are relationships that I wish would form, but I doubt they will. I have a million worlds to balance & I don't know where to begin.

I don't know what I'm saying or how to say it. My mind's all over the place. Adieu.

what would you do if I sang out of tune

Time's over. She doesn't wanna talk. I find myself surfing the net instead of studying, but what's new? I'm wasting time sitting here while I could be getting paid or doing something conducive to my education. Instead, I sit here & look up where I can learn to fight. I crave being a boy sometimes. There's more to it than that, I can be so superficial sometimes.

Time ticks by as I figure out the next year. Two years. Three years. The things I want to accomplish, the people I want to see, the things I want to do - that I've wanted to do for years. This is the time. Don't give it up. It's hard. There's so much I want out of this life & I wonder when it'll all happen. That's probably my first mistake.

The gym is my new obsession. Llamas too. Can't forget UFC. & books, but that's old. I just don't get the time to do it much anymore. Knitting is coming back with a vengeance. Writing letters. Writing period!

University is about discovering yourself. I think I'm only just realizing that. I'm going to fuck up, no matter how much I feel that it's unacceptable, it's going to happen. I'm going to discover things I enjoy, things I don't. I'll fuck up, I'll succeed, I won't even register on some peoples' radars.

With this on my chest, I'm a superwoman

Henry Mancini. Surprisingly enough I find comfort in the melodies of the olden days. Not that I was a part of them, but does that really matter? I find comfort, sophistication (though I'm sure it doesn't make me so); I find peace & lately that's hard enough to find on it's own.

I accept things that I know I can't do. I allow myself to fill my plate further. The things that matter, like this paper that was due yesterday, get pushed aside. Deciding what's important is tough these days. It's all important in some way, I just don't know how. When it comes down to it, I don't know how to separate it all.

Henry Mancini is over. That was yesterday. I wanted to be her, I wanted to embody it all from the neck down but the motivation is gone. Out the window. My emotional turmoil isn't as good as it was last time. 27 minutes. I was on my way somewhere. Now I'm back at square one. Fuck. Oh, I was gonna try & stop tat now wasn't I?

The songs change & my mood doesn't. I feel stuck in between. Who gets turned down for telemarketing? The rest I can deal with, but that... fuck.

Words that don't seem right.

Here I sit feeling more lost & confused than I normally do. I look out the window onto the courtyard. I feel as though I'm stuck in a Harry Potter snow globe. This place seems as though it's part of a dream I had as a child. The emotions coursing through me, on the other hand are not.

I feel different. I like I never wanted to feel. I feel as though I'm slowly becoming what I promised myself I wouldn't. Apply yourself. Work hard. Doesn't mean much these days. Push yourself. It only gets you so far. Push a little harder, try a little more. Eventually it feels like it's time to throw in the towel, take off some time. Go in the opposite direction & pray it works out.

Yes, pray. Never thought I'd say that.

I'm gonna go off & find my blankie now. I'll wander & hope I don't get too lost. I need a good cry. Hah. As if I haven't cried enough.