I need to write; I wish you'd read.

Days go by & I don't pick up a pen. I should, I know I should, but I don't. I can't, won't.. whatever you'll call it. Nothing much flows from these hands anymore. Recapturing a passion is a tough, confusing thing. You feel as though you're forcing yourself, as if it's no longer something you want to do. But when it comes back, it's a beautiful thing.

So I wait.

Conversation has been prolific between us. I wonder if this is a good or bad thing. A sign of maturity, or my getting used. I don't know where I stand on it all, I don't know what it means [this seems to be a common theme in my life], so I don't know what to say. I'll be hurt if it's nothing more than you just craving someone who doesn't hate you.

I know how it feels when it seems like the world's against you.

I feel like I can't stop moving, thinking, studying. I did this to myself, especially today. It feels nice; as though I've accomplished something for the first time. Everytime. Accomplishment is always a beautiful thing, but it seems so rare. I often feel as though I just can't do what everyone wants, what everyone expects. Scratch that. What I expect, because it's often too much.

A bunny sits in the corner of the apartment, flooded with the belongings of a number of people. She's my companion now, she's what I hope will help me through the summer. Who knows though. Will she hate me? Will I accidentally kill her? I'm not exactly the greatest pet owner. I get so busy & then... but I guess the fish are still alive [she says while one of her two fish sits on the dining room table in a plastic bag].

I'm horrible.

I can feel my other ear now filling in, the precursor to the painful infection I was diagnosed with last night. I feel bad for babies, who cry because their ears hurt so much, but they can't explain it. It hurts. It made me cry.

In September, when I turn 20, what will I be? A 20 year old girl? A 20 year old woman? 20 going on 12? These are the things that plague me when I can't sleep & my mind won't shut off.

I think it wants to shut off now.
Zzzzzz.