Rambles from the Marion Orser Reading Room

This break has been too long & much has happened since my last entry. Not that I mind, & I'm sure my lack of readers don't mind either. Just a thought. It's all thoughts. Also, it's been recently brought to my attention that I often don't make sense. I agree. That is all.

Maybe I've become the person I am, a tofu kind of concoction, because I always wanted to be what people wanted me to be. Maybe I've become the person I am because I find things I like in other people & imitate them myself. Maybe I've been so many people in this life that I just take bits & pieces with me when I change. Who knows.

Lately, I don't much like who I've become. I complain a lot. I'm negative. I find myself frustrated by the people whom I'm supposed to love, who are supposed to make my life better. There's a lot I love about life that I've simply pushed away. Change is a complicated process. A frustrating one as well.

Can you tell I have a tendency to write without reading? Without contemplating the consequences?

I sit here, in a room full of people I don't much like. False. I don't much like the labels they prescribe themselves. Yet I find myself wanting to be their friends. Funny. Have you ever wanted to be someone's friend because you think they're awesome? Then you become they're friend & you find out they're what you dislike about so many people?

Is any of this even making sense?

I'm trying to be more accountable to myself. I'm keeping a journal for one whole year. Written on paper. Sure, many of the entries are mundane & have no value whatsoever, but they offer me a glimpse into what I like & don't like about my life. Give me an idea on where to start. Reading back is interesting.

I'm trying to reach out. I'm trying to get out there & socialize. I'm afraid my unreliability has made everyone dislike me this year. I'm trying. Can I get a fresh start?

I miss the lack of time telling devices in Jamaica. I miss the witty conversation at dinner. I miss the people to whom I feel such a family-like connection to. I miss the little pieces of life advice given to me, whether anyone realized how much they made me think.